Looking for funny quotes? Comedy has a way of helping us understand that we’re all going through the same things in this crazy world, if it’s a wordplay, an amusing comment about everyday life, or old witty sayings.
Take a well-deserved break from your hectic schedule and enjoy the amusing quotations that will ensure there is a smile on your face.
Read some funny quotes below;
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian – Dennis Wholey.
I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards – Henny Youngman
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else – Will Rogers
He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career – George Bernard Shaw
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children – Sam Levenson
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money – W. C. Fields
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! – Tom Lehrer
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives – Ralph Waldo Emerson
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife – Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left – Oscar Levant
I am only human, although I regret it- Mark Twain
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter- Mark Twain
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.- Laurence J. Peter
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.- Katharine Hepburn
My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.- Jean Rostand
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.- Isaac Asimov
All men are equal before fish.- Herbert Hoover
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.- Gertrude Stein
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.- Bill Waterson
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.- Erma Bombeck
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.- Alexander Woollcott
Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.- Emo Philips
Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know. – Daniel J. Boorstin
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.- Dale Carnegie
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.- Dalai Lama
Political correctness is tyranny with manners.- Charleton Heston
A day without laughter is a day wasted.- Charlie Chaplin
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.- Charles Shulz
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.- Charles Lamb
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. – Caroline Rhea
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. – Bob Hope
A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range! – Tom Wilson
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.- Arthur C. Clarke
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.- Ann Landers
War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.- Ambrose Pierce
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.- Albert Einstein
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. – Alan Dundes
An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. – Dylan Thomas
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. Abraham Lincoln
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? – Abraham Lincoln
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. – Abraham Lincoln
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. – Don Marquis
I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. – Mitch Hedberg
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andy Rooney
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? – Benny Hill
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. – David Letterman
I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.- Fred Allen
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.- Fred Allen
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns
Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman. – George Burns
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.- George Burns
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.- Jerry Seinfeld
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. – Jackie Mason
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. – Bill Maher
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.- Bill Maher
If you think you have it tough, read history books. – Bill Maher
This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo. – Bill Maher
The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing. – Conan O’Brien
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
The road to success is always under construction.- Lily Tomlin
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.- Naguib Mahfouz
Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.– Gilbert Gottfried
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. – Zach Galifianakis
If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better. – Gilbert Gottfried
If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable. – Larry David
I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood. – Seth MacFarlane
Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion. – Tina Fey
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. – Steve Martin
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. – Joan Rivers
Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else. – Mae West
I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me. – Marc Maron
Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard. – Margaret Culkin Banning
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin
The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. – Jon Stewart
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. – Jon Stewart
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena. – Jon Stewart
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. – Mike Myers
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? – Milton Berle
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. – Redd Foxx
When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life. – Richard Lewis
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. – Rita Mae Brown
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. – Rita Rudner
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. – Woody Allen
Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad. – Woody Allen
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. – Bill Murray
Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections. – George Eliot
Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV. – Thomas Sowell
If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you. – Dick Cavett
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache. – Mae West
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. – Franklin Jones
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. – Demetri Martin
I live about four muggings from Central Park. – Henny Youngman
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots. – Ron White
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. – Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henny Youngman
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