100+ Funny Quotes To Put A Smile On Your Face

Looking for funny quotes? Comedy has a way of helping us understand that we’re all going through the same things in this crazy world, if it’s a wordplay, an amusing comment about everyday life, or old witty sayings.

Take a well-deserved break from your hectic schedule and enjoy the amusing quotations that will ensure there is a smile on your face.

Read some funny quotes below;

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian – Dennis Wholey.

I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards – Henny Youngman

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else – Will Rogers

He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career – George Bernard Shaw

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children – Sam Levenson

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money – W. C. Fields

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! – Tom Lehrer

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives – Ralph Waldo Emerson

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife – Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left – Oscar Levant

I am only human, although I regret it- Mark Twain

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter- Mark Twain

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.- Laurence J. Peter

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.- Katharine Hepburn

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.- Jean Rostand

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.- Isaac Asimov

All men are equal before fish.- Herbert Hoover

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.- Gertrude Stein

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.- Bill Waterson

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.- Erma Bombeck

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.- Alexander Woollcott

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Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.- Emo Philips

Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know. – Daniel J. Boorstin

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.- Dale Carnegie

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.- Dalai Lama

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.- Charleton Heston

A day without laughter is a day wasted.- Charlie Chaplin

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.- Charles Shulz

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.- Charles Lamb

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. – Caroline Rhea

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. – Bob Hope

A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range! – Tom Wilson

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.- Arthur C. Clarke

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.- Ann Landers

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.- Ambrose Pierce

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.- Albert Einstein

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. – Alan Dundes

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. – Dylan Thomas

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. Abraham Lincoln

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? – Abraham Lincoln

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. – Abraham Lincoln

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. – Don Marquis

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. – Mitch Hedberg

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andy Rooney

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? – Benny Hill

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. – David Letterman

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I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.- Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.- Fred Allen

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman. – George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.- George Burns

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.- Jerry Seinfeld

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. – Jackie Mason

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. – Bill Maher

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.- Bill Maher

If you think you have it tough, read history books. – Bill Maher

This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo. – Bill Maher

The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing. – Conan O’Brien

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

The road to success is always under construction.- Lily Tomlin

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.- Naguib Mahfouz

Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.– Gilbert Gottfried

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. – Zach Galifianakis

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better. – Gilbert Gottfried

If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable. – Larry David

I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood. – Seth MacFarlane

Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion. – Tina Fey

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. – Steve Martin

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. – Joan Rivers

Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else. – Mae West

I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me. – Marc Maron

Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard. – Margaret Culkin Banning

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin

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The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. – Jon Stewart

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. – Jon Stewart

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena. – Jon Stewart

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. – Mike Myers

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? – Milton Berle

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. – Redd Foxx

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life. – Richard Lewis

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. – Rita Mae Brown

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. – Rita Rudner

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. – Woody Allen

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad. – Woody Allen

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. – Bill Murray

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections. – George Eliot

Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV. – Thomas Sowell

If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you. – Dick Cavett

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache. – Mae West

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. – Franklin Jones

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. – Demetri Martin

I live about four muggings from Central Park. – Henny Youngman

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots. – Ron White

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. – Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henny Youngman


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